A man was walking down the road with a penguin when a policeman saw them and approached the man.
“Take that penguin to the zoo.”
“Do I have to?”
“Take that penguin to the zoo now!”
“Oh all right then”.
So the man and the penguin head off to the zoo.
The next day the policeman sees the man and the penguin going down the same road again and gets very cross.
“I thought I told you to take that penguin to the zoo.”
“I did. Yesterday we went to the zoo, today we’re going to the cinema.
Two goats are on a rubbish tip, chewing pieces of old rubbish.
One comes across a cannister of old film and starts chewing through the plastic strip of the film.
He’s having a whale of a time.
The other goat calls across to him “Hey, are you enjoying that film?”.
“Its not bad,” says the first goat, “but I preferred the book.”
Imagine you’re in a room with no doors and no windows.
Q: How would you get out of it?
A: You stop imagining.
What did the shy stone want? He wanted to be a little bolder (boulder).
What do you call a mouse under a pile of dry leaves?
A panda goes into a restaurant, orders a meal, eats it, but when the waiter brings the bill, pulls out a gun, fires it into the air and rushes out of the building.
The manager cannot understand this behaviour, so looks up panda in the encyclopedia.
There he finds this: A panda eats shoots and leaves.
A man went in to see a psychiatrist with a parrot on his head.
The psychiatrist asked the man “What can I do for you?”, and the parrot replied “Can you get this man off my foot?”.
A man’s dog, in the park, grabbed another man’s hat and ran off with it.
The dog owner did nothing.
The other man said “I don’t like your attitude!”
The dog owner replied “It wasn’t my attitude, it was your hat-he-chewed.”
A man wanted to get his hair cut at work.
He asked his boss, who said “You can’t have your hair cut in work time.”
The man retorted “But I grew my hair in work time.”
The boss said “You didn’t grow all your hair in work time.”
The man said “Well, I’m not having all of it cut off.
What did the hat say to the tie?
You hang around while I go on a head.
Why couldn’t the skeleton go to the party?
He had no body to go with.
Why was 6 afraid of 7?
Because 7 ate 9.
What time did the Chinaman go to the dentist?
Tooth hurty (2.30).
Why is the nose in the middle of the face?
Because it’s the scenter.
What’s orange and sounds like a parrot?
How do you catch a unique rabbit?
You neek up on it.
A man dreamt 10 gold coins were being counted out to him. In the dream the giver of the coins withheld the last one.
The man protested: “give me that coin!”. “I must have the last coin.”
He shouted so loudly he woke himself up, and realised he now had no coins at all.
Reluctantly he rolled over to go back to sleep.
“OK,” he said, “I’ll take the nine.”
Woman to shoe shop assistant: “Do you have crocodile shoes?”
Certainly madam – what size does your crocodile take?
garlic flavoured mouthwash
A man went into a bank and asked the clerk if he could withdraw some money.
“Can you identify yourself,” said the clerk.
The man reached into his pocket, pulled out a mirror, looked into it, and said,
“Yes, that’s definitely me.”
A builder need to transport a large number of large round stones to the bottom of a hill.
On the first day his men carried three quarters of the stones to the bottom of the hill.
Then someone suggested that the men should roll the stones down the hill.
“Excellent idea”, said the builder, so the next day he had the men carry the stones to the top of the hill and roll them all down.
A man lost his dog. A friend suggested putting an advert in the newspaper.
“That wouldn’t work,” said the man, “because my dog can’t read.”
A man was playing chess with his dog. A bystander watched in amazement.
Eventually he could not contain himself any further.
“I think your dog is amazing,” he said.
“He’s not so smart,” said the dog’s owner, “that move just cost him the game.”
What do you get when you cross a sheep and a kangaroo?
A woolly jumper.
What do you get when you cross an elephant with a goldfish?
What do you get when you cross an elephant with a kangaroo?
Big holes in the ground all over Australia.
What do you get when you cross an elephant with a mouse?
Very big holes in the skirting board.
What do you get when you cross a crocodile with a fridge?
What do you call a camel with 3 humps?
What did the cross-eyed teacher say to the headmaster?
I can’t control my pupils.
Why couldn’t the skeleton go bunjee jumping?
He didn’t have any guts.
What do you call a fish with no eye?
What do you call a fish with no eye (no.2)?
“Waiter this coffee tastes like mud.”
“Well sir it WAS ground this morning.”
“Waiter this egg is bad.”
“Well sir, I only laid the table.”
“Waiter, what’s this muck?”
“It’s bean (been) soup sir.”
“I don’t care what its been, what is it now?”
“Waiter, what’s this fly doing in my soup?”
After studying it the waiter says “I think its doing the breast stroke sir.”
“Waiter, do you have frogs legs?”
“No, sir, I always walk like this.”
“Waiter, will this pizza be long?”
“No sir, it’ll be round like everyone else’s.”
Why aren’t there any tablets in the jungle?
Because the parrots-eat’m all. (paracetamol).
A man asked a farmer for enough milk for a bath.
“Pasteurised?”, asked the farmer.
“No,” said the man, “just below my knees.”
A man says to a doctor: “I’ve eaten something that’s disagreed with me.”
A little voice in the man’s stomach says:
“No you havn’t.”
“Doctor I think I’m becoming a burglar.”
“Have you taken anything for it.”
“Doctor I keep seeing spots.”
“Have you seen an optician?”
“No, just spots.”
A man is jumping up and down vigorously in a surgery waiting room.
“What are you doing,” someone asked.
“I forgot to shake the bottle before I took my medicine.”
“Doctor, I snore so loud I wake myself up continually.”
“Have you tried sleeping in the next room.”
A man asked a doctor “Do you have anything for wind?”.
The doctor gave him a kite.
A man explained to his doctor that he was losing his hair and asked if the doctor had something to keep it in.
“How about a paper bag?” said the doctor.
A man went to see a doctor because of a strawberry growing out of his head.
“There’s nothing I could do, but I could give you some cream for it,” said the doctor.
A man goes to see a doctor “I can’t decide if I’m a wigwam or a teepee.”
“Your trouble is you’re too tents.” (tense).
Three new employees at a Chinese factory were put respectively in charge of accounts, production and supplies.
The manager checked everything was going smoothly, and the first two had fitted into the company perfectly.
The third however was missing, was not in his office.
After a search of the building the manager was about to give up when he jumped out suddenly from behind a filing cabinet and shouted “surplise!” (supplies).
“I almost saw your brother yesterday.”
“You can’t almost see my brother, you either saw him or you didn’t see him.”
“Well, you know your brother is a police constable, and his number is PC no.7052, well I saw PC no. 7053.”
A spy is sent on a secret mission to find “Jones”, an agent in a remote village in Wales.
He is told that the codephrase is “River 7 is frozen over.”
On arrival in this tiny village, he asks a passer-by whether anyone called Jones lives there.
The man replies, “well there’s Jones the newsagent, Jones the greengrocer, Jones the schoolmaster, Jones the post office, and as a matter of fact my name’s Jones as well.”
The spy has a burst of hope…….. perhaps this is his connection?
He whispers “River 7 is frozen over.”
“Oh you want Jones the spy, he lives in that house across the road.”
WHAT’S THE DIFFERENCE
What’s the difference between a rabbit who goes to the gym and a rabbit who puts a flower behind his ear?
One’s a fit bunny, the other’s a bit funny.
What’s the difference between a mouse and a beauty queen?
One harms the cheese, the other charms the he’s.
What’s the difference a comma and a tiger?
One is a pause at the end of its clause, the other has claws at the end of its paws.
What’s the difference between an elephant and a postbox?
(the other person will likely say “I don’t know” – but don’t bank on it!)
Well I wouldn’t trust you with my letters.
What’s the difference between a church bell and a pickpocket?
One steals from the people, the other peals from the steeple.
What’s the difference between school dinners and slugs?
What’s the difference between a train conductor and a teacher?
One minds the train, the other trains the mind.
Two skunks were called In and Out.
One day they were playing but decided to switch places. So In was out and Out was in. Their mother asked Out to go and find In. He took only a few seconds to bring him to the house. “How did you find In so quickly?” said the mother. “In-stinct.”
A man asks a shopkeeper for a packet of helicopter flavoured crisps.
“Sorry sir,” he says, “We’re completely out of helicopter flavoured crisps, we’ve only got plain.”
A man goes into a brain shop.
“What have you got on special offer?”.
“Well, we’ve got 3 on special, and English, a Scottish and an Irish brain.”
“How much are they?”.
“The English brain is £100, the Scottish brain is £120 and the Irish brain is £5000.”
“Why is the Irish brain so expensive?”
“Because……. its very rare, and its never been used.”
WHAT DO YOU CALL……..
What do you call a man with a car on his head?
What do you call a girl with a frog on her head?
What do you call a man with a number plate on his head?
What do you call a man with a spade on his head?
What do you call a man without a spade on his head?
What do you call a man with a seagull on his head?
What do you get if you paint every vehicle in Britain red?”.
“A red carnation.”
A man goes into a pub with a newt sitting in his shirt pocket, looking out.
“A pint of beer for me and a thimbleful for my friend,” says the man.
“How come he only gets a thimbleful?”, says the barman.
“Because he’s minute.”
Three ants in the jungle:
Ant 1: “What’s that funny smell?”.
Ant 2: “Don’t ask me, its de-odor-ant”. (the other ant).
CROSSING THE ROAD
Why did the chicken cross the road?
Because he was a Rhode (road) Island Red.
Why did the skeleton cross the road?
To get to the Body Shop.
Why did the teenager cross the road?
Because his parents didn’t want him to
What’s red AND invisible?
How do you sink an Irish submarine?
Knock on the porthole.
How can you tell if a submarine is Irish?
Its the one with a sunroof.
An Irish plumber visits Niagra Falls. The group he is with walk out onto the observation deck for the first time.
The plumber draws a deep breath, then turns to the tour guide and says:
“Its a big one, but I think I can fix it.”
Why were there a lot of Irishmen sitting on the roof of the pub.
Someone had told them that the drinks were on the house.
What’s the difference between single and double yellow lines by the roadside, in Ireland.
Single yellow means no parking at all.
Double yellow means no parking at all at all.
A driver stops his car in Ireland and asks 2 young men “Which is the way to Donegal?”
One of them says “I don’t know.’ The other remains silent.
The driver drives off but sees the first man beckoning him back.
With some difficulty he reverses up the long narrow lane.
“Yes?” he says.
The first man speaks again “This is my brother Ralph and he doesn’t know the way to Donegal either.”
How do you get an Irishman to burn his ear?
Phone him up while he’s doing the ironing.
What do eskimoes stick their toilets together with?
Igloo loo glue.
What’s brown and sticky?
What’s round and naughty?
Why is milk the fastest drink?
Because its pasteurised (past your eyes) before you see it.
Why is heat faster than cold?
Because you can catch cold.
Why is honey very rare in Brazil?
Because there’s only one B in Brazil.
Why is the moon more important than the sun?
Because we need the light more during the night than during the day.
Where do ghosts catch trains?
At a manife-station
Why do Chinese tourists often end up in Harrow?
Because they go up to the first taxi they say at Heathrow airport and say “Harro!”
Why do Skoda dealers always set up their showrooms at the top of a hill.
So the customers can’t return their cars.
A man complained about the Skoda he’d bought.
“It only goes up to 90 on the hill I live on,” he said.
“Well, that’s a good speed for a Skoda,” said the salesman.
“No, you don’t understand,” said the man, “I live at no.102.”
What do you do if a Skoda overtakes you?
Did you hear about the man who asked a garage mechanic if he had a hubcap for a Skoda?
The mechanic said that would be a fair swap.
What do you call a Skoda with a sunroof?
Why do bees hum?
Because they don’t know the words.
What happens if ducks fly upside down?
They quack up.
Why are sardines stupid?
Because they get locked in with the key outside.
Have you heard of the microwave bed?
You get into it for 10 minutes and you get the equivalent of 9 hours sleep.
How do you stop moles digging in your garden?
Hide the spade!
A man was sitting in the men’s toilets, but in a deckchair wearing sun tan lotion and shades.
A visitor asked him, “What are you doing in a deckchair here.”
The man replied, “I am the attendant, and my boss said I could take a holiday at my own convenience.”
A viola player entered a pub, then suddenly there was the sound of smashing glass outside.
The man ran out, then returned crying. Customers tried to console him.
He said,”I’ve got 2 violas now.”
How can you tell if there’s a viola player at your front door?
He’s late and he doesn’t know when to come in.
A viola player has strong ambitions to conduct.
When the conductor is ill he makes sure he is able to conduct the saturday night concert.
The concert goes of well and gets good reviews.
The following saturday he returns to his desk with the other viola players.
“Where were you last saturday?”
What’s the connection between John The Baptist and Winnie The Pooh?
They both have the same middle name.
Definition of rhubarb: embarassed celery.
A car full of nuns was almost run off the road by a devil who was driving dangerously.
As they pulled up alongside the demon at some trafficlights, one of the sisters said to the nun who was driving, “Show him your cross.”
The nun wound down the window and shouted “I’m really annoyed with you devil.”
Two men were lost in the desert. Eventually they came across a small oasis with three small shacks.
They knocked on the first door “Water, water, please have you any water.”
The man replied “No, but I do have sponge cake and custard.”
They said “No thank you.” Then they went to door number two.
“Water, water, please have you any water.”
The man replied “No, but I do have red jelly and cream.”
They said “No thank you,” but knocked at the third door.
“Water, water, please have you any water.”
“No,” said the man, “but I do have hundreds and thousands and chocolate chips.”
“That’s no good to us,” the men said, and sat down very dejected.
“Its surprising that they don’t have ANY water, isn’t it,” said one.
“Yes it is a trifle bazaar.” (bizarre)
“Do you have cheese sandwiches?” “No.”
“Do you have ham sandwiches?” “No.”
“Do you have salad sandwiches?” “No.”
“Do you have any sandwiches?” “Well, we can make you a crocodile sandwich.”
“OK, but make it snappy.”
What did the policeman say to his stomach?
You’re under a vest.
A girl comes home from school and tells her mother, “My teacher loves me.”
“What do you mean she loves you?”
“Well, she puts kisses by every sum I do.”
A man sees a thermos flask at a car boot sale.
“What’s that?” he asks the seller.
“Its a thermos flask – it keep hot things hot, and it keeps cold things cold.”
The man buys it. Next morning he goes into work.
“What have you got there,” says his colleague.
“Its a thermos flask, it keeps hot things hot and it keeps cold things cold.”
“What have you got in it?”
“Tea, and ice cream.”
An Irish building company decides to test new employees with some technical questions, before offering them a job.
The first one to be tested is asked “What’s the difference between girders and joists?”
He says “Girder wrote Faust, and Joist wrote Ulysees.”
The hearse went out of control, it crashed into the front of the chemist’s shop and the body flew into the air, landing on the counter.
“Have you got something to stop me coffin’” it said.
Sir Thomas Moffe, the famous businessman, was arriving late at a very formal function.
Not wishing to draw attention to himself, he whispered his name to the host on his way in “I’m Moffe.”
“Oh,” said the host “must you go already?”
What happened to the Irish one-man-operated-bus driver who had a crash?
He was upstairs collecting the fares.
A man goes into a pub. “Orange juice please,” he says.
“Still orange,” asks the barman.
“No I havn’t changed my mind,” said the man.
There are 3 types of people.
Ones that can count, and ones that can’t.
What kinds of keys can’t you fit in your pocket?
Don-keys, tur-keys and mon-keys.
A blonde gets onto a plane but sits in first class.
A fellow passenger says to her “This is my seat madam, you can’t sit here.”
“But I’m blonde, and I’m beautiful, and I’m going to New York.”
The steward comes and says “madam I’m sorry you only have an economy class ticket, you can’t sit here.”
“But I’m blonde, and I’m beautiful, and I’m going to New York.”
Then the captain comes over “You must sit in standard class madam, you are delaying our take off.”
“But I’m blonde, and I’m beautiful, and I’m going to New York.”
Then another passenger, whose wife also happens to be blonde comes over and whispers something in her ear.
She replies “Oh really,” then gets up and immediately goes and sits in standard class.
Everyone asks “What’d you say, what’d you say?”
He said “Well, I just explained to her that this part of the plane isn’t going to New York.”
A blonde dies her hair one day.
Then she goes for a drive and sees a field full of sheep and falls in love with them.
She asks the farmer if she can keep one of them and he reluctantly agrees.
She chooses a creature.
The farmer asks her “If I can guess the real colour of your hair, can I have my sheepdog back?”
A blond is asked by her boyfriend to check and see if his indicator lights are working.
She says “Yes its working, no its not, yes its working, no its not, yes its working, no its not,………….”
What happened to the blonde who didn’t like the in-flight movie?
She walked out.
Why did the invisible man look in the mirror?
To make sure he still wasn’t there.
What’s the difference between soldiers and firemen?
You can’t dip firemen in your egg.
A ghost was talking to another ghost.
“I got frightened last night.”
“But you’re not meant to get frightened.”
“I was at a horror movie.”
“But you’re meant to like those.”
“You don’t understand, …… it frightened the life INTO me.”
Why are tall people lazier than short people?
Because they’re longer in bed.
What do you call a Spanish girl with one tooth?
Juanita. (one eater).
What did the Spanish fireman call his 2 sons?
Jose and hose b. (hose a)
A magician was doing tricks on a cruise ship and had for his assistant a parrot.
The parrot however was not helpful, in fact would often say “there’s the rabbit,” or “there’s the hankerchief,” and ruin the trick.
This annoyed the magician.
Then there was a storm and the cruise ship sank.
The magician and the parrot ended up at the opposite ends of a small lifeboat.
They stared at each other for some minutes.
Then the parrot said “OK, I give up, what have you done with the boat.”
A man goes into a pet shop.
“I’d like some birdseed please.”
“What kind of bird have you got?”
“I havn’t got a bird.”
“What do you want bird seed for then?”
“I want to grow one.”
What’s brown, sticky and sounds like a bell?
Why was the Egyptian boy confused?
Because his daddy was a mummy.
Have you heard the one about the magic tractor?
It went down a country lane and turned into a field.
Why did the mechanic sleep under a car?
He wanted to wake up oily in the morning. (early)
A man and a woman are in the kitchen.
The woman says “I just killed five flies, three female and 2 male.”
“How did you know which gender they were?”
“The two were on a beer can, and the three were on the telephone.
A woman in a traffic jam got bored waiting, put the radio on, and then start knitting.
The traffic cleared but her car remained in the middle of the road.
A policeman stopped and banged on her window, and she rolled it down.
“Pull over,” he snapped.
“No, no ……. its a scarf.”
A man called on a friend, and the friend’s 5 year old son opened the door, smoking a cigar. “Is your father in?”
“What do you THINK?”
A man goes into a pub and orders 3 pints of beer and sips from one.
The barman asks why 3 pints.
“Well, I have 2 brothers abroad and I like to order a drink for them, even though they’re not here,” he explains.
Over time he comes in and does this and other pub regulars start doing the same thing.
One day he comes in and only orders 2 pints of beer.
Everyone feels nervous, has anything happened to one of his brothers?
Someone asks him “Are your brothers al right?”
“Oh yes,” he says, “my brothers are fine, its just that I’ve given up drinking.”
Teacher to boy “what is 7 times 5?”
Boy: “Well sir, if you don’t know now, you never will.”
A man went into a library and asked the librarian boldly, “A pint of bitter please.”
“Sir,” she said, “this is a library.”
“I’m terribly sorry,” he said and then whispered in her ear “A pint of bitter please.”
An opera singer was on his way to sing at the Royal Opera House, but for some reason couldn’t remember the last turning.
He stopped and asked a passer-by “How can I get into the Royal Opera House?”
The man replied “Oh you have to practice very hard and get very good.”
Two vegetarian sausages in a pan.
One says “Its getting rather hot in here.”
The other says “Oh my GOD a talkng sausage.”
What do footballers and babies have in common?
They both dribble.
Why did the house hurt?
Because it had window pains.
A boy was three hours late for school.
The teacher asked him his reason.
“Well you know I come by tube?”
“Well when I reached the top of the escalator there was a sign that said “Dogs must be carried, and it took me over 2 hours to find a dog.”
A boy was arriving at school 1 hour late.
“You should have been here at 9 o’clock,” said the teacher with some enthusiasm.
“Why sir, what happened?”
Mother to boy “You’ve got your wellies on the wrong feet.”
Boy: “But these are the only feet I’ve got!”
Why are ghosts so bad at lying?
Because you can see right through them.
Why do you have to be careful making mobile phone calls in a cemetery?
Because there are a lot of dead spots.
Teacher: “How do you spell crocodile.”
Boy: “K R O K O D I……”
Teacher: “Stop, that’s not how you spell crocodile.”
Boy: “It is, that’s how I spell krokodial.”
A question was posed on the internet:
“Excuse me, can we have your opinion about the beef shortage?”
An Ethiopian asked “What’s beef?”
An Iranian asked “What’s opinion?”
An American asked “What’s a shortage?”
An Israeli asked “What’s excuse me?”
What’s the difference between an Australian boomerang and a Scottish boomerang?
The Australian one comes back.
The Scottish one sings about coming back.
What do you get when you drop a piano down a coal mine?
A flat minor.
A man asks the manager of a Chinese restaurant: “Do you do takeaways?”
“Certainly sir, 12 take away 7 is 5.”
A man asks another man “Can you give me a lift?”
“Certainly, You look great, the world’s your oyster, go for it!”
What did one tube of glue say to the other?
“We should stick together.”
What’s the difference between a nail and a bad boxer?
One gets knocked in, the other gets knocked out.
What do you call a Spanish man who’s lost his vehicle?
What do you call a Spanish fellow who just came out of hospital?
Why do bees have sticky hair?
Because they use honeycombs.
What’s the definition of a terminal illness?
When you get sick at the airport.
A little girl sat on her grandpa’s knee.
“Did God make you grandpa?”
“And did God make me?”
“Well he seems to be making a much better job of things nowadays.”
Why are cooks cruel?
Because they beat the eggs and they whip the cream.
Why are false teeth like stars?
Because they come out at night.
Why was Cinderella bad at baseball?
Because she had a pumpkin for a coach and she ran away from the ball.
Mother to doctor: “Is it possible for an 8 year old to perform an appendix operation?”
Doctor: “Certainly not.”
Mother to son: “You see I told you, now put it back.”
Why did the prawn leave the discotheque?
Because he pulled a mussel.
Why do communists prefer herbal tea?
Because they believe all proper tea is theft. (property).
Two lions walking down Oxford Street.
“Its very quiet here today!”
What happened to the dyslexic, agnostic insomniac?
He lay awake all night wondering whether or not there is a dog.
Why is a clock dirty?
Because it works for 24 hours a day and never washes its hands or face.
A couple died in a car accident on their way to their wedding.
They went up to heaven and asked St. Peter if they could be married there.
While he was looking for a priest they began to wonder whether being married forever was wise.
Perhaps before marrying they should know how easy it is to divorce in heaven.
When St Peter returned they asked him if it would be possible to find a lawyer to ask advice on divorces in heaven.
He then became quite angry.
“Its taken me ages to find a priest up here, how long do you think its going to take me to find a lawyer?”
What did one wall say to the other?
Lets meet in the corner.
How many ears does Captain Kirk in Star Trek have?
Three. a left, a right and a final frontier.
LIGHT BULB CHANGING
How many zen buddhists does it take to change a light bulb?
Three. One to change it, one to not change it and one to neither change it nor not change it.
How many boys with attention deficit disorder does it take to change a light bulb?
Lets go out on bikes.
How many folk singers does it take to change a light bulb?
5. One to change the bulb and four to sing a song about how good the old bulb was.
How many Sloane rangers does it take to change a light bulb?
Two. One to mix the cocktails, and one to call the service man.
A rabbit visits a sandwich shop.
“What do you have?” said the rabbit.
“Ham, cheese or ham and cheese mixed,” said the shopkeeper.
The rabbit buys the ham sandwich, comes back the next day, buys the cheese and the next day, very pleased with the first 2 sandwiches, buys the mixed one.
A week later, a very ill rabbit comes back to the shop.
“What’s the matter,” said the shopkeeper.
“Mixamatoasties,” said the rabbit. (mixamatosis is a serious rabbit disease).
What runs around the world but does not move?
Two boys who were each the son of a farmer were speaking.
One boy said “What does your dad use all that manure for?”
“We put it on our rhubarb.”
“That’s awful, we put custard on ours.”
Two women working at their computers, chatting.
“Do you file your nails?”
“No, I just cut them and throw them away.”
What do female snails make their trails with?
Two farmers were walking through a farmyard.
A terrible groaning sound suddenly filled the air.
“What’s that,” said one.
“Its the new moan hay,” said the other. (mown)
How do you make a bandstand?
You take their chairs away.
Where does a cat put its head when it goes to sleep?
On a cat-a-pillow.
Who invented fire?
Some bright spark.
What do you call a man who used to like tractors but doesn’t like them any more?
An extractor fan.
Why did the muesli drown?
Because there was a big current.
Why did the mushroom go to the party?
Because he was a funguy.
What has a head and a tail but no body?
A farmer had been standing in one of his fields for hours, staring into space.
A friend was concerned and came up to him.
“What are you doing?”
“I’m trying to get a Nobel Prize.”
“What has what you’re doing got to do with getting a Nobel Prize?”
“I have heard that, to get a Nobel Prize, you have to be outstanding in your own field.”
How do you catch a unique rabbit?
You neak up on it.
How do you catch a tame, unique rabbit?
Tame way, you neak up on it.
Two men were behaving oddly in the park.
One would dig a hole, then almost as soon as it was complete, the other man filled it in.
A woman was curious and asked them what they were doing.
“Well said one, we usually work with a third man who plants seeds but he’s off sick today.”
Two would be writers went for an interview.
As a test they were both asked to make a sentence with green, pink and yellow.
The first said “The trees were a beautiful green, and the sun cast a rosy pink light on the sea of yellow flowers.”
The second said “The phone went green green, so I pink it up and say ‘yello’.”
A blind man stopped in a supermarket and started swinging his guide dog in a circle on its lead.
“What are you doing?” said the store detective.
“Just looking around.”
What do you call a man with a wooden head?
What did the girl artist do before she went to bed?
She drew the curtains.
A boy was asked to write an essay at school about environmental pollution.
He wrote “My mother bought a can of sardines, but when she opened it up they were covered in oil and they were all dead.
Which is correct:
The yoke of an egg is white.
The yoke of an egg are white?
If there was a plane carrying Canadian and American passengers, and it crashed on the American/Canadian border,
Where should they bury the survivors?
ANS: They don’t!
Have you lived here all your life?
A man answers a phone but does not speak.
The voice says “Who’s speaking?”
A man asks “Do you know if there’s a B&Q in Birmingham?”
The other man looks worried but says, “I’m not sure, but I’m pretty sure there’s 2 E’s in Leeds.”
Why did the sheepdog fail his sheep-herding test?
He couldn’t make a ewe turn.
What did one eye say to the other?
Between you and me, something smells.
How many legs does a reindeer have?
6 – forelegs at the front, and 2 at the back.
Why can’t you be hungry in the desert?
Because of the sand which is (sandwiches) there.
Where does a 2-ton gorilla sleep?
anywhere he wants to!
What does a ball do when its finished rolling?
It stops and looks…. round.
Why did the jam roll?
Because it saw the apple turnover.
What do you call a deer with no eye?
No eye-deer (no idea)
What do you call a sleepy deer with no eye?
Still no eye deer.
What does a dog say when it sits on sandpaper?
A man went into a butcher’s shop.
“A steak and kiddly pie please.”
“Don’t you mean a steak and kidney pie?” said the butcher.
“Idley saidly steak and kiddly pie, diddly idley?” said the man.
Why did the owl ‘owl?”
Because the woodpecker wouldpecker.
Why is a policeman strong?
Because he can hold up the traffic.
2 fleas: “Shall we walk or take a dog?”
Name 4 members of the cat family.
Father cat, mother cat and 2 kittens.
A snail wishes to buy a car, but during the purchase he tells the salesman he wishes him to paint a large S on the roof of the car.
The salesman tries to dissuade him, “It will spoil the car”, he says, but the snail refuses to give in.
Finally the salesman asks the snail the reason for this request.
Its so that my friends, when they see me driving can say “Look at that S-car go.” (Escargot).
Police arrested two drunks on firework night, one for drinking battery acid and the other for eating a firework.
Later they charged one but let the other one off.
A dolphin bought and then played a piano.
Everything worked very well except that at first it was difficult to find a dolphin-friendly tuna.
Where did Napoleon keep his armies?
Up his sleevies.
A woman is trying to get her husband to make the morning coffee.
After some argument the woman says “It says in the bible that you should do it.”
“Where is that,” he asks.
“Its even the name of one of the books – it says He brews.”
Two monocles speaking.
“Lets get together and make a spectacle of ourselves.”
Why do golfers often wear 2 pairs of trousers?
In case they get a hole-in-one.
How can you tell a book is about surgery from a quick glance?
It will have a missing appendix.
Why did the chef steal his eggs?
He liked them poached.
How can you tell if there’s been a fight in a fish and chip shop?
All the fish is battered.
A hen takes library books out regularly and returns them the next day.
The librarian decides to follow her to see what she does with them.
The hen takes them to the edge of a large lake.
A frog comes up and as the hen turns each page the frog says to her “reddit, reddit,…….”
A man was carrying his neighbour’s bagpipes into his own house.
“What are you doing with those?” said his wife, “You can’t play them.”
“No, and nor can he when they’re in here,” he said.
Why are teachers like robbers?
Because they want you to put your hands up.
Why did the criminal cut the legs off his bed?
He wanted to lie low.
Why do birds fly south for the winter?
Its too far to walk.
If in tennis you have an umpire, in football you have a referee, what do you have in bowls?
What’s the connection between 11.30PM and a roof?
What’s the connection between 4.30AM and a pig’s tail?
A man arrives at a fancy dress party in a t-shirt and jeans, with his girlfriend carried across his shoulders.
The host says to him “You’re not in fancy dress.”
“I am,” he says,”I’m a tortoise.”
The host says “How are you a tortoise?”
He points to his girlfriend, “That’s me shell.” (Michelle).
A meeting was called to discuss a proposal to put a chandelier in the village hall.
“I’m not sure whether anyone in the village can spell chandelier.”
“I’m not sure whether anyone in the village knows how to play one.”
“Exactly, what we need is more lights in the village hall.”
What do you call a washing machine operated by nuns?
Where do you find giant snails?
At the end of a giant’s fingers.
A prisoner was summoned to the prison director’s office to be warned about writing graffiti on his cell wall.
After the warning he went back to his cell to finish his sentence.