Science Humour

These are allegedly genuine science exam answers

Question: What is one horsepower?
Answer: One horsepower is the amount of energy it takes to drag a horse
500 feet in one second.

You can listen to thunder after lightning and tell how close you came to
getting hit. If you don’t hear it, you got hit, so never mind.

Talc is found on rocks and on babies.

The law of gravity says no fair jumping up without coming back down.

When they broke open molecules, they found they were only stuffed with
atoms. But when they broke open atoms, they found them stuffed with

When people run around and around in circles we say they are crazy.
When planets do it we say they are orbiting.

Rainbows are just to look at, not to really understand.

While the earth seems to be knowingly keeping its distance from the sun,
it is really only centrificating.

Someday we may discover how to make magnets that can point in any

South America has cold summers and hot winters, but somehow they still

Most books now say our sun is a star. But it still knows how to change
back into a sun in the daytime.

Water freezes at 32 degrees and boils at 212 degrees. There are 180
degrees between freezing and boiling because there are 180 degrees
between north and south.

A vibration is a motion that cannot make up its mind which way it wants
to go.

There are 26 vitamins in all, but some of the letters are yet to be
discovered. Finding them all means living forever.

There is a tremendous weight pushing down on the center of the Earth
because of so much population stomping around up there these days.

Lime is a green-tasting rock.

Many dead animals in the past changed to fossils while others preferred
to be oil.

Genetics explain why you look like your father and if you don’t why you

Vacuums are nothings. We only mention them to let them know we know
they’re there.

Some oxygen molecules help fires burn while others help make water, so
sometimes it’s brother against brother.

Some people can tell what time it is by looking at the sun. But I have
never been able to make out the numbers.

We say the cause of perfume disappearing is evaporation. Evaporation
gets blamed for a lot of things people forget to put the top on.

To most people solutions mean finding the answers. But to chemists
solutions are things that are still all mixed up.

In looking at a drop of water under a microscope, we find there are
twice as many H’s as O’s.

Clouds are high flying fogs.

I am not sure how clouds get formed. But the clouds know how to do it,
and that is the important thing.

Clouds just keep circling the earth around and around. And around.
There is not much else to do.

Water vapor gets together in a cloud. When it is big enough to be
called a drop, it does.

Humidity is the experience of looking for air and finding water.

We keep track of the humidity in the air so we won’t drown when we

Rain is often known as soft water, oppositely known as hail.

Rain is saved up in cloud banks.

In some rocks you can find the fossil footprints of fishes.

Cyanide is so poisonous that one drop of it on a dogs tongue will kill
the strongest man.

A blizzard is when it snows sideways.

A hurricane is a breeze of a bigly size.

A monsoon is a French gentleman.

Thunder is a rich source of loudness.

Isotherms and isobars are even more important than their names sound.

It is so hot in some places that the people there have to live in other

The wind is like the air, only pushier.

“Scientists are hypothetical people,” wrote a student in chemistry.
The following student comments were gleaned from essays, examinations
and classroom discussions. These beguiling theories are in no way
hypothetical. They are all real and attest to the high level of
scientific literacy in our nation:

* All animals were here before mankind. The animals lived peacefully
until mankind came along and made roads, houses, hotels and condoms.

* Sir Isaac Newton invented gravity.

* The law of gravity says no fair jumping up without coming back down.

* Galileo showed that the earth was round and not vice versa. He
dropped his balls to prove gravity.

* Mare Curie did her research at the Sore Buns Institute in France.

* Men are mammals and women are femammals.

* Proteins are composed of a mean old acid.

* The largest mammals are to be found in the sea because there is
nowhere else to put them.

* Involuntary muscles are not as willing as voluntary ones.

* Methane, a greenhouse gas, comes from the burning of trees and cows.

* The spinal column is a long bunch of bones. The head sits on the top
and you sit on the bottom.

* Water is melted steam.

* A monkey has a reprehensible tail.

* Some people say we condescended from the apes.

* The leopard has black spots which look like round soars on its body.
Those who catch soars get leprosy.

* A cuckoo does not lay its own eggs.

* To remove air from a flask, fill the flask with water, tip the water
out and put the cork in, quick before the air can get back in.

* The three cavities of the body are the head cavity, the tooth cavity
and the abominable cavity.

* Cadavers are dead bodies that have donated themselves to science.
This procedure is called gross anatomy.

* The cause of dew is through the earth revolving on its own axis and
perspiring freely.

* Hot lather comes from volcanoes, when it cools it turns into rocks.

* The earth makes a resolution every 24 hours.

* Parallel lines never meet unless you bend one or both of them.

* Algebra was the wife of Euclid.

* A circle is a figure with o corners and only one side.

* A right angle is 90 degrees Farenhight.

* An example of animal breeding is the farmer who mated a bull that
gave a great deal of milk with a bull with good meat.

* The hydra gets its food by descending upon its prey and pushing it
into its mouth with its testicles.

* If conditions are not favorable, bacteria go into a period of

* When oxygen is combined with anything, heat is given off. This is
known as constipation.

* The hookworm larva enters the body through the soul.

* As the rain forests in the Amazon are shrinking, so are the Indians.

* A major discovery was made by Mary Leaky, who found a circle of
rocks that broke wind.

these are actual quotes taken from junior high students science
[Curiously enough there was an overlap with the above lists]

* The dodo is a bird that is nearly decent now.
* A thermometer is an instrument for raising temperance.
* Geometry teaches us to bisex angels.

(Who said the American education system is below par?)
[Curiously enough there was an overlap with the above lists]

Special Category: Charles Darwin

* Charles Darwin was a naturalist who wrote the organ of the species.
* Benjamin Franklin produced electricity by rubbing cats backwards.
* The theory of evolution was greatly objected to because it made man
* To prevent conception when having intercourse, the male wears a
* Geometry teaches us to bisex angles.
* A circle is a line which meets its other end without ending.
* We believe that the reptiles came from the amphibians by spontaneous
generation and study of rocks.
* English sparrows and starlings eat the farmers grain and soil his
* By self-pollination, the farmer may get a flock of long-haired sheep.
* If conditions are not favorable, bacteria go into a period of
* Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines down on them and makes them
* Vegetative propagation is the process by which one individual
manufactures another individual by accident.
* A super-saturated solution is one that holds more than it can hold.
* A triangle which has an angle of 135 degrees is called an obscene
* A person should take a bath once in the summer, and not quite so often
in the winter.
* When you haven’t got enough iodine in your blood you get a glacier.
* It is a well-known fact that a deceased body harms the mind.
* Humans are more intelligent than beasts because the human branes have
more convulsions.
* For fractures: to see if the limb is broken, wiggle it gently back and
* For snakebites: bleed the wound and rape the victim in a blanket for
* Bar magnets have north and south poles, horseshoe magnets have east and
west poles.
* When water freezes you can walk on it. That is what Christ did long ago
in wintertime.

SCIENCE IN A NUTSHELL – 5th and 6th graders

A census taker is a man who goes from house to house increasing the

A city purifies its water supply by filtering the water and then forcing it
through an aviator.

The inhabitants of Moscow are Mosquitoes.

It is so hot in some places that people there have to live in other places.

The four seasons are salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.

One of the main causes of dust is janitors.

A monsoon is a French gentleman.

The word “trousers” is an uncommon noun because it is singular at the top
and plural at the bottom.

From: “Hot”
The process of turning steam back into water again is called conversation.

Algebraical symbols are used when you do not know what you are talking

Many women believe that an alcoholic binge will have no ill effects on the
unborn fetus, but that is a large misconception.

Gravity tells us why an apple doesn’t go to heaven.

A parallel straight line is one that, when produced to meet itself,
does not meet.

To remove air from a flask, fill the flask with water, tip the
water out and put the cork in quick.

A vacuum is an empty space where the Pope lives.

Atomic weights are used for weighing atoms.

Ammonium chloride is also called silly maniac.

Water may be made hard by freezing and the hardness removed
by boiling it.

If the air contains more than 100% carbolic acid, it is very injurious to

Water freezes at a higher temperature on the Fahrenheit
scale than on the Centigrade.

At 180C, sulphur is vicious.

Oxygen can be prepared by heating potassium chocolate.
A theorem – derived from theos [a god] and res
[a thing] – is a problem needing divine intelligence.

A magnetic force is a straight line, generally a curved one,
which would tend to point to where the North Pole comes.

Lack of vitamins gives rise to crickets.

An alkali is a chemical substance without water in it, such as whisky.

Chalk and sand can always be separated by flirtation.

Saturated is a term used for gentlemen who are full up.

Gravity is a law holding things up, but nowadays we use elastic.

The liver is an infernal organ.

Algebra is the wife of Euclid.

A ruminating animal is one that chews its cubs.

Mass is when you buy a sack of potatoes and weight is when you carry
it home.

A pence plus B pence equals expense.Volcanoes are ordinary mountains
except they omit palaver frequently.

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